a very regretful way to be

I'm not good at going through the motions
at trudging through the day
one thing at a time, one duty after another

I'm too emotional for that
I envy those with the self discipline to keep going despite their thoughts
despite their loves, concerns, frustrations

I bog myself down in me
and get lost
and am unable to be myself for anyone else

It is a very regretful way to be

selfish I guess

but I know that if I could just do the laundry, clean out the game room, plan a great dinner and bust through a to do list, I would feel like I had done something besides wallow

and done some good for someone in this house
rather than losing myself and leaving them in the balance