the fragility of contentment

It baffles me - how fragile my state of contentment is. I admit, I struggle with many things. I am so far from perfect, it scares me sometimes. When I think about it too long. So I don't.

I struggle all day. To do good. To think well. To be kind. To smile. To step away from my plans to cater to theirs. To find joy. To think of God.

And I wonder, do others struggle as much as I do? Do we all walk around with a smile pasted on our faces, while inside, we battle it out with the demons of our thoughts?

Or, maybe it's just me.

I really don't want much. I don't want to be rich. I don't want to be famous (God, save me!). I don't want to be excessively successful. I don't want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy. The kind of Happy that I can depend on.

I told this to my husband the other day. He asked, "What makes you unhappy?" "Nothing." I replied. There is nothing that makes me unhappy. I can't find anything wrong. There is no over-arching theme that causes me distress, that causes me to look upon my life and shake my head.

No.

I have every reason in the world to be content. Yet, I'm not.

I have a feeling this may have something to do with my relationship with God. Maybe. But, I don't want to run to him, expecting a miracle and getting nothing.

So, I continue my measly prayer life, which, right now consists of reading the daily readings, pondering for a few moments, jotting down what 'hit' me and moving on with my day. Prayer time at meals. Wrangling fidgety children before bed to fold their hands and stay focused. That's all. Please don't send me a list of books about prayer. I know. I just don't do.

I also think back, and realize I've always been like this. Hard to please. Needing something to look forward to. Requiring something to 'pull' me through the day, because the day and it's contents are not enough.

Someday I will regret, I'm sure. That is my greatest fear. Someday I will look back and see all the lost opportunities.

So I pray for the 'glass-half-full' days. For the 'things-will-all-work-out-for-good' moments to return. They will. I believe.