on a husband losing his job

It's an odd place to be in life... I mean, we've all known people who lose jobs, have a short time of fear and panic and then bounce right back with something great. "Every one has to go through this at least once in life", I hear.

Sounds good. Sounds almost admirable... suffering, contemplation, evaluation, a time to reconsider what one really wants to do. Who wouldn't want an opportunity for that.

Me.

I don't want that opportunity. Nope. It's just not for me.

It's like grieving. We mentioned to each other, on the morning after, that it reminds us of the days right after his mother died. You begin to wake, roll over in bed, snooze the alarm, stretch... and then you remember. Later, you're vacuuming, making a sandwich for a kid or brushing your hair, and then you remember. Startling at times.

Sounds pitiful... I know. But my man is a 'gold watch' type of man. He really should have been born in the 50's (although I would not have him if he had been...). He would love to work his entire career for the same company, work his way up, hire loyal and admiring workers, be able to provide for his family and take pride in the fact that his work helps provide for others.

But, it's 2011. And the fact that he's worked for 13 years for the same organization is pretty rare at that.

So, here we are. Wondering if we'll have any money next month. Wondering if we will have to move. If nice people live anywhere but here. Will there be a priest that we love as much anywhere else in the world? Our children... surely they cannot find friends to replace the faithful ones they have now. It's just not possible.

Everything now is too good. The house that I loathed the weeks before Christmas for it's cookie-cutter design, dingy carpet and minuscule kitchen is heaven now. The small town that just closed down the only Gap in 70 miles is now ideal.

Strange how perceptions change.

We are so unchanging.

I say that I desire God's will. I pray for it. I can't imaging going any other way. But I'm not sure about this. I'm not sure this is what we need. What we can handle. That we won't both go insane, tear each other's hair out and and end up living in a little apartment on food stamps. I exagerate... but that is where my mind goes.

To the gutter. Hopefully God will pull me out.