It baffles me - how fragile my state of contentment is. I admit, I struggle with many things. I am so far from perfect, it scares me sometimes. When I think about it too long. So I don't.
I struggle all day. To do good. To think well. To be kind. To smile. To step away from my plans to cater to theirs. To find joy. To think of God.
And I wonder, do others struggle as much as I do? Do we all walk around with a smile pasted on our faces, while inside, we battle it out with the demons of our thoughts?
Or, maybe it's just me.
I really don't want much. I don't want to be rich. I don't want to be famous (God, save me!). I don't want to be excessively successful. I don't want to be beautiful. I just want to be happy. The kind of Happy that I can depend on.
I told this to my husband the other day. He asked, "What makes you unhappy?" "Nothing." I replied. There is nothing that makes me unhappy. I can't find anything wrong. There is no over-arching theme that causes me distress, that causes me to look upon my life and shake my head.
No.
I have every reason in the world to be content. Yet, I'm not.
I have a feeling this may have something to do with my relationship with God. Maybe. But, I don't want to run to him, expecting a miracle and getting nothing.
So, I continue my measly prayer life, which, right now consists of reading the daily readings, pondering for a few moments, jotting down what 'hit' me and moving on with my day. Prayer time at meals. Wrangling fidgety children before bed to fold their hands and stay focused. That's all. Please don't send me a list of books about prayer. I know. I just don't do.
I also think back, and realize I've always been like this. Hard to please. Needing something to look forward to. Requiring something to 'pull' me through the day, because the day and it's contents are not enough.
Someday I will regret, I'm sure. That is my greatest fear. Someday I will look back and see all the lost opportunities.
So I pray for the 'glass-half-full' days. For the 'things-will-all-work-out-for-good' moments to return. They will. I believe.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
on a husband losing his job
It's an odd place to be in life... I mean, we've all known people who lose jobs, have a short time of fear and panic and then bounce right back with something great. "Every one has to go through this at least once in life", I hear.
Sounds good. Sounds almost admirable... suffering, contemplation, evaluation, a time to reconsider what one really wants to do. Who wouldn't want an opportunity for that.
Me.
I don't want that opportunity. Nope. It's just not for me.
It's like grieving. We mentioned to each other, on the morning after, that it reminds us of the days right after his mother died. You begin to wake, roll over in bed, snooze the alarm, stretch... and then you remember. Later, you're vacuuming, making a sandwich for a kid or brushing your hair, and then you remember. Startling at times.
Sounds pitiful... I know. But my man is a 'gold watch' type of man. He really should have been born in the 50's (although I would not have him if he had been...). He would love to work his entire career for the same company, work his way up, hire loyal and admiring workers, be able to provide for his family and take pride in the fact that his work helps provide for others.
But, it's 2011. And the fact that he's worked for 13 years for the same organization is pretty rare at that.
So, here we are. Wondering if we'll have any money next month. Wondering if we will have to move. If nice people live anywhere but here. Will there be a priest that we love as much anywhere else in the world? Our children... surely they cannot find friends to replace the faithful ones they have now. It's just not possible.
Everything now is too good. The house that I loathed the weeks before Christmas for it's cookie-cutter design, dingy carpet and minuscule kitchen is heaven now. The small town that just closed down the only Gap in 70 miles is now ideal.
Strange how perceptions change.
We are so unchanging.
I say that I desire God's will. I pray for it. I can't imaging going any other way. But I'm not sure about this. I'm not sure this is what we need. What we can handle. That we won't both go insane, tear each other's hair out and and end up living in a little apartment on food stamps. I exagerate... but that is where my mind goes.
To the gutter. Hopefully God will pull me out.
Sounds good. Sounds almost admirable... suffering, contemplation, evaluation, a time to reconsider what one really wants to do. Who wouldn't want an opportunity for that.
Me.
I don't want that opportunity. Nope. It's just not for me.
It's like grieving. We mentioned to each other, on the morning after, that it reminds us of the days right after his mother died. You begin to wake, roll over in bed, snooze the alarm, stretch... and then you remember. Later, you're vacuuming, making a sandwich for a kid or brushing your hair, and then you remember. Startling at times.
Sounds pitiful... I know. But my man is a 'gold watch' type of man. He really should have been born in the 50's (although I would not have him if he had been...). He would love to work his entire career for the same company, work his way up, hire loyal and admiring workers, be able to provide for his family and take pride in the fact that his work helps provide for others.
But, it's 2011. And the fact that he's worked for 13 years for the same organization is pretty rare at that.
So, here we are. Wondering if we'll have any money next month. Wondering if we will have to move. If nice people live anywhere but here. Will there be a priest that we love as much anywhere else in the world? Our children... surely they cannot find friends to replace the faithful ones they have now. It's just not possible.
Everything now is too good. The house that I loathed the weeks before Christmas for it's cookie-cutter design, dingy carpet and minuscule kitchen is heaven now. The small town that just closed down the only Gap in 70 miles is now ideal.
Strange how perceptions change.
We are so unchanging.
I say that I desire God's will. I pray for it. I can't imaging going any other way. But I'm not sure about this. I'm not sure this is what we need. What we can handle. That we won't both go insane, tear each other's hair out and and end up living in a little apartment on food stamps. I exagerate... but that is where my mind goes.
To the gutter. Hopefully God will pull me out.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
a very regretful way to be
I'm not good at going through the motions
at trudging through the day
one thing at a time, one duty after another
I'm too emotional for that
I envy those with the self discipline to keep going despite their thoughts
despite their loves, concerns, frustrations
I bog myself down in me
and get lost
and am unable to be myself for anyone else
It is a very regretful way to be
selfish I guess
but I know that if I could just do the laundry, clean out the game room, plan a great dinner and bust through a to do list, I would feel like I had done something besides wallow
and done some good for someone in this house
rather than losing myself and leaving them in the balance
at trudging through the day
one thing at a time, one duty after another
I'm too emotional for that
I envy those with the self discipline to keep going despite their thoughts
despite their loves, concerns, frustrations
I bog myself down in me
and get lost
and am unable to be myself for anyone else
It is a very regretful way to be
selfish I guess
but I know that if I could just do the laundry, clean out the game room, plan a great dinner and bust through a to do list, I would feel like I had done something besides wallow
and done some good for someone in this house
rather than losing myself and leaving them in the balance
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